haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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