I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
