You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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