Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
