WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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