My first STD was from a foam party
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
