Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
