Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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