So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
