All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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