Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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