i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
