it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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