i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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