So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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