btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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