Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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