wake up i wanna do it froggy style
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
