Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
