The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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