woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
