I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize