The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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