Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
