that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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