How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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