Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
