i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
