You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
