I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
