Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
