Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
