Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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