I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
