Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
