I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We need to get me chipped asap
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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