dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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