Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
