I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
