Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
