everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I supernannyed him into submission
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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