the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
