im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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