i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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