I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
