The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
