Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
