i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
