I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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