I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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