Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
