Whoa Z and x make the same sound
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
