Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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