I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
