if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize