apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
