My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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