i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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