i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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