Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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