new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
