I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
