Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
