i wish there were pregnant emoticons
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
