"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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