just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
