I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm too high and old for this...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
