I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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