so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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